Survival

The bright headlights reflecting sharply from the wet windshield blinded me for a moment.In the next moment when I opened the eyes,another car was rushing in from opposite side,suddenly skidded and came towards mine.I applied brakes more in a shock than in reflex.

The rear tyres screeched & skidded badly.The car travelled a lateral distance in high speed,bumped on two huge stray water-filled potholes and rolled once before coming to a sudden hault. Bang !!

It was all silence for a while.I dint know where I was.A strange feeling of numbness occupied me.It took few minutes for me to register what have just happened.A fear suddenly cripped in me very slowly.It was raining heavily now.The rain thrashed on the car.

My state of numb was broken by bright rays of stray light from the high speed vehicles rushing on the highway.The rolling sound of heavy tyres seemed to rattle my ribs...
The state of shock started to sink in and the fear started to grow thinking what I had just gone through.It seemed like I started to become aware of my surroundings with time.But it was worse when the actual fact hit me.

I was about to die.Yes,Death was right there for me.I was blank all through.My body was shivering badly,my mind gave up thinking and I was feeling cold.My head dropped on the steering wheel.I started crying like a child.

I never knew what death is.But that day sitting alone in that car in a dark
rainy night on a sideline highway ,I could figure out the difference between
life and death.It was just a fraction of second..may be a blink of eye between life and death.In a moment you are here and next you are left nowhere.In that strange moment of destiny,my whole life started reeling before of my eyes in pieces.Shards of memory that were hidden somewhere in my mind that I thought never existed,now became visisble .Sounds of my dad's laughter,my mom waving her hands at me from the church gate,the hissing sound of a cooker from the kitchen,the smell of my mom's old saree,my sisters mehendi hands,priya standin on the other side of a busy road,a slight of tense on her face,omar's bright lecherous eyes smiling,vague sounds of sid's voice,u4 sharing a dope,the smell of grass..and more and lot more.Lakhs of faces crowded over me in a moment and my ears were blasted by the random ramblings of thousand voices and laughter.I pressed my hands in my ears but they were of no use then. My pains never lessened..The tears refused to stop.

...

A loud bang from behind brought me out of the trance.Someone broke the front window glass to open the door lock.I was feeling cold and my eyes were too wet to see anything.Tears kept rolling down like the rainy night.

"Hey man,are you ok??" Someone wrapped a shawl around me and helped me out.
" Total nutjob buddy !! We were shouting for like an hour now!! We thought you were dead.."

They said I remained fainted in that dead car for almost an hour that nite .No one knew how I was alive.

Weird nite !

I missed the lighter for the third time in a row.
"Damn poor thing",I thought,"My ass..".Weird thoughts,I know..

Sometimes I feel that this earblasting mindnumbing speaker volumes should be reduced. I mean how can you allow someone insane play some Euro-African trash that too so loud in such a cramped place !! Man trust me,amytime you may have a heartbreak or rather may be a skull break or something..like in a moment you will find all your brain fluids flowing down all over the place from your head..shit man,pathetic thoughts..I wonder.

I stopped listening (dont ask me how it can be done..cos with alcohol in your guts,everything is possible). I again concentrated back on the blessed lighter.
Three more strokes..no hope,missed all through. I looked around blankly,drunk and hopeless.

She lit the lighter for me from the other end,though it startled me abit.Yeah,again I forgot,folks,I am around with a couple tonight.

See,hanging around with couples really stink,and I am not much fond of it if you really want to know.With a lousy gal asking shitty things to her phony boyfriend is always a pain in the ass for me..But lemme tell you,with scantily dressed babe with a crotch-hugging-jeans-dweller bf..that too in a dark shacky pub,things may be total different and no doubt,interesting..

I looked up at her to which she gave a weird smile that brought some nasty thoughts in my mind.I ignored.I looked at the guy with her.The alcohol overdose was sinking. He blankly gazed at the giant screen least bothered about his gal.

It was then when I suddenly felt something scratching on my feet and moving up and down around my shin.I was startled and looked for it under the table.
Yeah..holyshit..,it was her leg which by now have almost reached to my knees caressing inwards and upwards.I looked up at her in a reflex (she had that same mysterious smile)..I immidiately looked at him..hopeless fellow I thought,he was still in his alcoholic coma gasping at the screen.I felt a temporary relief but strangely felt like laughing.The bastard in me was definitly enjoying,I tell you.

"So how much do you love each other? ",I startled both of them especially bringing him back to earth.

"Oh man! We love each other like hell man,we cant live without each other.."; He tried kissing her but badly missed the place and hopelessly landed somewhere down her neck."We even.."

I stopped him on way.."How about dying for each other?" ..I fired..its shit,I know but I was drunk,I told you..
Actually the next moment I was almost on a stage of alcohol-improvised self appraisal because of my delivered dramatic lines( I cudnt beliv that I m so genius) but got really distracted 'cos her legs were by now somewhere around my inner thighs dangerously moving in.Damn man,I was geting a feel.The alcohol effect dipped abit but nevertheles remained.It added to the effect perfectly.

He mumbled something and then was sudden loud.."Arre no man,we can fucking kill ourselves for our love..",the alcohol speaking for him.

"...And we can even kill the other for love..",this came from her..she was smiling again..caressing his face with her hands and my secret places with her legs..My mouth went wide open..


...

Later that night I found myself walking alone on a lonely road,now with a better equilibrium compared to my state few hours back.I was thinking blankly of my friend and his gal I met tonight.

"Infidelity",I thought.."God help us..."

That night in that dark place,somehow I managed myself from a sin.I was almost carried away when something stopped me for good..may be that was my conscience or may be the good God in me..I looked at the sky and smiled..I was strangely satisfied.

Callback..

The Arabian sea was not in a great mood either.Behind the backdrop of the setting sun there she sat ..all alone.
Even I felt strangely helpless.Its strange how weird it feels at times.
It felt restless all around..the waves were hitting the shores with an unknown anger trying
to scrape away as much of the sand it can take..all at a time..

"May I ?"

She looked at me through her wet eyes and nodded.I dint know if that was an approval or a denial
but decided to sit.I felt a strange silence
between us even in between this roaring sea waves.

We were silent for a long time.She wept on and I blankly stared at the sea..It felt never ending,I wished if I could skip this moment,I was numb..
it was slowly getting on me..

"Why do you love him so much??"

"What do you mean?"..that was enough for her..

"Sometimes I wonder why it is like that,why do we love someone..I mean why do we want someone!!
Why do you love him ?"

"I dont know why..I ..I just do ..",she choked..

"Even knowing that he..."

"...that he doesn't love me? Yes still.."

"Rai,you are beautiful,you are intelligent..I mean there are thousand of guys who will die for you,
you can get anyone you want..I mean.."

"If I am so good then why cant I have him !!!"

I dint know what to say..this was hard,real hard to answer..so innocent in her way..and as always,I was blank..

"I dont know that..dont you think we should not expect such things in life that we cant ever..."

before I could end,she was crying more and more.She rest her head on ma shoulders.She made me weak..

"Thanx neel.."

I felt a pain somewhere deep inside,a lump there in my throat,don't ask why..I dint know that either. I closed my eyes for a while and then
looked at the cloudy evening sky..its going to rain tonight..



-(An intentional Work of fiction with a changed name )

Reflection

Crushes of memories in a blue
water colour of light,
Splinter shards of glasses
touched my flame so bright..
The footpath crowds turned to
the train siren in a lonely night,
Whenever I go,wherever I stay
I will always be following the shadows to stray;

Now a few more steps closer,more closer to light
In a drive for eternity life to life,
The ashes are drown in the heart of desire
But the memories are still stuck in an unknown fear..

A gloomy morning !

Here in a cloudy morning,I try wake up bright
Reflecting on my recent past in a mood not so right
Slowing down I look around,I am so messed
Try to think of things that makes life great..
I think I never tried to do of what I thought
Rather may be I never thought of what I did
Life is complicated I heard somewhere
Now I know its a weird truth always unaware
There were things that could have been better
There were dreams that could make me better
But I love,I feel,I wish to live forever
I hope,I dream even for a nightmare
Today I feel this earth too small
To hold all ma dreams for long and all

This morning I stare again at this paper
My forehead bleeds but I think no better
I think of people I met may be last night
But now they all seem to be faded in the dreamy night

Life is fast,moving too fast and fair
I again hope that I will change things out there
Its strange but this morning seems so perfect
This day,this life in the time's messy net !


I pray it stays,this morning stays,this time stays
'Cos this is the best feeling I ever had..

(Wrote on the first cloudy morning in mysore 2days aftr reachin there :))

Another page from my life !!

"Wake up..",mom whispered in my ears.It was a cold February morning,my first day of trip to my home after an year.
I could feel her cold lips in my ears,her cold hands on my face.I burried my face deep into the blanket.I could hear a lot of birds and people all around.It was a strange feeling.My mom's whisper,the early morning light,the warmth of my quilt,my dad's voice nearby,the slender rays of sun in my room,the spider cob on the celing..all felt strange,as if this was something I was longing for a long long time,for all these years.It was something special,I dont know what,but it somehow made me feel blessed.I knew this time will pass away but I wished if it could always feel the same.
I went to the window from the bed.It was bright all around.I stood facing the sunrays from the window. The morning sun was on my face,on my hands.It felt pure. I touched the glass pane.It was warm,I could feel the warmth on my fingers,on my face. I was lost somewhere.The mornings's soul was deep inside me.

Two lines of Khaled Hosseini came to my mind..

"One couldnot count the moons that shimmer on her roofs
Or the thousand splendid suns that hide behind her walls"

I felt content,I felt satisfied,I felt happy..happy after a long time. A smile came to my face from somewhere deep within.
Life,Sweet Life !!

Another Day in a City too fast !!

Another day at the city
The life so bustle and so tidy
The dawns are bright but the dusks are smokey
But my fate to live here for me being heavy..

Its not that you always love
That you always love to be here,
But when choices are few and time is low
you may not always hate to be here..
..

On a sunday evening on a crowded street
When the city rushed by me,am too litle
I thought,I reflected,I wanted to feel
What a life,what a time,how weird I feel !


Another day at the city of din and bustle
May be another evening of light dreams and pink beer,
A dream on stars but a fear of being hurt
I never knew when I was back in my tears..
Twenty years and more but am not gone so far
But yet it feels am dragging myself not from so near..



Life O Sweet little life
How long has it been and how far am I ?
Am hurt,am scared,am confused,am in tears..
Still i wish, still I dream
in a busy city in an other day..
As always my heart is calling for you
Every dream I cast upon the stars is of yours..


( Dedicated to my ex-gfs nd best campus-pals !!
Written while sitting in trainee hall in ma company,
still a last bencher(rather last table)..cudnt help it.Anyways i miss u ppl a lot)