Not an Idiot

Its not that I always feel like writing.I mean I even sometimes feel,damn why the hell do I write?? So one day i really thoght to sit and find out how did I came to a conclusion that i should try to write all the shit that I feel!
I then think it must be some idiot friends in the college who kept on pushing me,like hey buddy you are too good to write man!or may be my passion for reading that gave me a feel that I should try on with pen. Now the point is that,yes I love writing any damn thing I think off,but when I dont feel anything,what should i be writing??Really confused,I tell you !
Now after watching recent idiotic movies of bollywood and the peer pressure rising(suddenly after the movie released) to make you do what you love to do,I at this point want to tell some real story about my life.

I guess it was not too much ago,may be like 15years back when I was in like 3rd or fourth grade or may be earlier.I used to roam around my home with a circular shaped coil of pipe in my hand driving my imaginary vehicle and changing its gears with left hand with the roaring of an imaginary engine.So what happened,one day,my dad caught me,in between my drives and i had to stop my car with a dangerously high pitched screetching brakes!
"So son what do you think you really want to be in life??"
i tell you those idiot movies were not out by then!!
Now given at that age(though I am yet that dumb!) i figured out what I should be doing when i grow up!I was non-chalant in my reply
"papa i want to be driver!!"
"So what are you going to drive?"
"Why?? i love buses,but they are big na?"
My dad was confused i guess,all he could manage was..
"You need to study well if you want to be a good driver !!"
Well unsure of my driving skills and the required studies for that,may be at some point of time after that i gave up my thoughts.

Anyways that was not my point I guess.I am really confused at time about what should be done with the only future given to you!!I mean though i am still undecided whether to continue writing or not but trust me its abit wierd to think for me as to why i am still continuing writing even in this blog!!When I sat to write,I knew nothing what its going to be,but now,that I have become abit emotional,i guess i should stop this torture on your brains.Yes the idea of doing what you love to do is something we really love to fantacise and thats why may be I have written all these nonsense..

Its almost dawn now,its a new year soon.A new time will start.Well the terrible practical man in me woke up..this is the end,I have to end!!

I have to leave my dreams with you guys,with the end of this night,for tonight.Well today in a country of more than 100 million people,i dont think you can manage to do what you really love to do.Whatever may be my thoughts and whatever may I love,I have learned that living your passions are a far thought for people like me who are more worried about making their livings rather writing lines in rain,let alone living dreams !!

Its never worth that way..

This is not always you know what's happening
Its not at all that you know what is there
You never know how you want to live
Rather you never want to know what you want..

Sometimes it gives you a feeling that you are on
It makes you feel like flying
Makes you the man of all
You get the feel that you are the potential best;

The very next moment it fades away
Its always a dark storm in the horizon
It takes away all,all you had and all you felt you wanted.

May be that's fate,they call Destiny
This is the way how you get along
This is the way how you start longing for a change
Rather may be this is the change..

O wait,what is that on?
Is that the way it was supposed to be?
Isn't it an attrition,you calling a transition?
O dear,it can't be that way !
Definitely not that way..You never wanted it that way..

Oh! so now you say that doesn't matter,
Yeh that's exactly you say when you suffer
Trust God,its not always worth that way,
Its definitely not true that way..

Me,the ordinary man..

I am not a perfect person
There's a lot that I cant make happen
I wish I could be the one I wanted
But there's always something thats drifts life away
There's something that fades me to dark
There's something that pulls me back
There's a thousands reason I can give you..

Yes I am not at all a perfect man
Well I was never a perfect person
But still there's a thousand dream for me to requim
A thousand thoughts to reflect
A thousand joy that makes me happy..

I am the one who loved the dawn
I am the one who loved the rain
I was the one who loved to live..

Time changed and so did I
I was in love,I will be in Love
I was happy and I will again be Happy
I lived that life and
Still thats the life I wish to live
And that's the Life I wish to love

May be I am not a perfect person
But I am the one who will be in love
I am the one who wishes to see joy
And I will be the man who will know to Live

Yes I am the ordinary man who Loves Life..



[inspired from Hoobastank-The Reason]

Just read 'em !!

Last nite i read these few lines from a friend of mine .I really felt like sharing those lines..
Five pearls of Wisdom,I guess you should never forget :

1. Money cant buy happiness but somehow its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle..what do you say,eh?

2.Forgive your enemies but remember their names :)

3.Help a girl when she is in trouble and she will remember you when she is in trouble again !! Man that's the pathetic part of all.

4.Many pepole are still alive because it is illegal to shoot them :(

5.Alcohol doesn't solve any problem, but neither does milk !!

Few lines of my fav poets!

The Lust of the goat,is the bounty of God
The nackedness of women,is the work of God,
Excess of sorrow laughs,Excess of joy weeps !!

-William Blake



Give me women,wine and snuff,Untill I cry out,hold enough!!
You may do sans objection..
Till the day of resurrection..

...
[Damn I have forgotten the rest lines'
will gt thm fr u wenevr i recollect!!]

-John Keats

Few of my works!!

I played the strings night after night,
Wanted to love you in the dreams of light,
Its hard to breathe,its hard to die,
I never knew why you had to lie.

Now that you are gone from the lights of my eyes,
When in my dreams you kissed me to say goodbye.
We broke the bonds,we broke the chain
But never knew it comes with a pain..

Time will make you forget me more,but
Time will make me love you more than before!!


[Please don't read more than once,i think its not that worth!]

I sometime feel like i should have commited suicide a long time back.But it seems like it desnt work out someway!! It was another so called pathetic incidents that keep on happening with me.I was on for a walk after my dinner a few nights back.It was obvious,i was out for a dinner in the back market since most predictably i again missed my insti dinner.From being a so called popular(rather worthless engineering college),I couldnt give up my habit of bunking classes!!
Now what happened,as i was in my royal fiesta,I went to a paan-thela for a cigarette.The man sitting behind the window was almost of the age of my dad.Now,whatever hopeless i may be,but something inside my head started asking if i was goin to buy a ciggi from my dad?? Shit man!! But wait,the worst part was yet to come!
Some how i managed the guts to ask him for a milds(yes,i felt like an idiot,but given the habit and the false ego that i had by birth,i was still there).The elderly man looked into my eyes and gave a smile!! Now what was that?? "How are you beta??" Shit!!What was that supposed to mean?
I asked him "do we know each other??"
"ya you keep on coming na!!" (well i was there for the first time i tell you!!)
O..lucky me!!
Now thats not the end.
as i took the ciggi in my lips,he lit the lighter for me.Man,I tell you,it was hell out there!
Such a guy that i was,i felt the cigarette shivering in my lips,consequently missing to lit it up in the first hit.
"uncle i will do it myself"
"Nei beta,i am here na"
Finally i managed to lit it up,and rather rushed out of the shop.After few steps I looked back at the man in a weird state of mind.
He was looking at me with a smile!
The cigarette tasted stale!!

Its literally Shit man!!

It was another usual day of mine. Bunking a CDAC class(well now you cant say an usual day),i was on my way,on a lovely noon,reading some incomprehensible texts written by an author on the net.I was trying to get through few line by the author about whom i never heard nor read,but was really trying on it.It went somehow like this:

"I used the word “complicity” a bit ago. I like the word. To me, it indicates an unspoken understanding between two people, a kind of pre-sense, if you like. The first hint that you may be suited, before the nervous trudgery of finding out whether you “share the same interests,” or have the same metabolism, or are sexually compatible, or both want children, or however it is that we argue consciously about our unconscious decisions. Later, looking back, we will fetishize and celebrate the first date, the first kiss, the first holiday together, but what really counts is what happened before this public story: that moment, more of pulse than of thought, which goes, Yes, perhaps her, and Yes, perhaps him."

As I read,(though could hardly get anything out of it !!) an incoming SMS made my phone was loud enough to even visualise the pug of the n/w!!. I ignored it till I finished the story, and then I opened the SMS that I reproduce for you here:

From VM 53131

Will your Friendship turn into Love? To know the answer Sms BOND (Ur Friends Name) to 53131 e.g. BOND RANI. Rs.3/Sms

Isn’t it just horrible that more people read VM 53131 than the unfortunate author!!?!

Who was he?

I dont know if at all I would be able to explain the stuff but this is something i thought to write about now its more than two months. Some things in life really make you to reflect thoughts that you would have never thought otherwise if those things never happened at the first place.
In the first few days it never occured to me.I was doing a diploma from a private ATC.The dabbawalas of the city used to be allround bringing there stuffs for 200 students of the campus.
It was a cloudy day in the mid of october,I saw a man sitting by the gate with a bag,predictably dabbas,at my insti gate .In general,I never noticed people around me unless its the other gender!! But that day,I for no reasons looked at him,his eyes. For no reasons,i was depressed.He was at his late 60's or may be more.It really came to me what life was for him??He was more than the age of my father,old enough to be relishing his remaining days on earth.But there he was,delivering damn things for damn people who hardly cares for anyone.I dont know why,I could see a pain in his eyes.When i looked in his eyes everytime,that came to me as the saddest point of my day.Unfortunately the pain continued from my side.The everyday i went on seeing him,his same eyes,same feeling of helpnessness mixed with some pain always made me feel uncomfortable at times.
The next time i decided to overlook him on my wayout of the campus,but there was something that always made me to look in his eyes,those eyes asking for somthing,something to life or may be more that i couldnt get, the shallow that i am.
Life may have taken him to points that we couldnot even imagine,but till today,i thought a hundred ways to get out of it,the pain that I was going through for no reason,but it seems like his eyes are those that i can hardly take out of my mind.life changes,people changes.may be he was fine with watever he was going through,but that hardly stopped me from being depressed on those days.May be it was fine all the time and even today!!God help me,God help him!!